Children and Grief

In my last post, I talked about the need to share our experiences with others because our stories, struggles, hardships, strengths and accomplishments will benefit others.

Today I am sharing an article on children and grief that I found on the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry website. The article explains how children grieve and what to look for if you think your child is experiencing difficulty coping with his/her feelings.

I believe this article is important to read whether you’re 3 months out, 2 years out or 10 years from your loss. Grief, we all know, is a life-long process and our children will experience different levels of it throughout their lives. It is important that we recognize that although life does continue, there will always be those times when it surfaces, and often those times are completely unpredictable. I believe it is our job as parents to continue to educate ourselves on grief so that we may give our children healthy outlets to express their thoughts, fears and feelings.

Please read the article below and let me know your thoughts. I also ask that you please share resources, articles, thoughts and suggestions with us by posting on this blog or sending me an email:

Here is the article:

Children And Grief

No. 8; Updated March 2011

When a family member dies, children react differently from adults. Preschool children usually see death as temporary and reversible, a belief reinforced by cartoon characters who die and come to life again. Children between five and nine begin to think more like adults about death, yet they still believe it will never happen to them or anyone they know.

Adding to a child’s shock and confusion at the death of a brother, sister, or parent is the unavailability of other family members, who may be so shaken by grief that they are not able to cope with the normal responsibility of childcare.

Parents should be aware of normal childhood responses to a death in the family, as well as signs when a child is having difficulty coping with grief. It is normal during the weeks following the death for some children to feel immediate grief or persist in the belief that the family member is still alive. However, long-term denial of the death or avoidance of grief can be emotionally unhealthy and can later lead to more severe problems.

A child who is frightened about attending a funeral should not be forced to go; however, honoring or remembering the person in some way, such as lighting a candle, saying a prayer, making a scrapbook, reviewing photographs, or telling a story may be helpful. Children should be allowed to express feelings about their loss and grief in their own way.

Once children accept the death, they are likely to display their feelings of sadness on and off over a long period of time, and often at unexpected moments. The surviving relatives should spend as much time as possible with the child, making it clear that the child has permission to show his or her feelings openly or freely.

The person who has died was essential to the stability of the child’s world, and anger is a natural reaction. The anger may be revealed in boisterous play, nightmares, irritability, or a variety of other behaviors. Often the child will show anger towards the surviving family members.

After a parent dies, many children will act younger than they are. The child may temporarily become more infantile; demand food, attention and cuddling; and talk baby talk. Younger children frequently believe they are the cause of what happens around them. A young child may believe a parent, grandparent, brother, or sister died because he or she had once wished the person dead when they were angry. The child feels guilty or blames him or herself because the wish came true.
Children who are having serious problems with grief and loss may show one or more of these signs:

  • an extended period of depression in which the child loses interest in daily activities and events
  • inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone
  • acting much younger for an extended period
  • excessively imitating the dead person
  • repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person
  • withdrawal from friends, or
  • sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school

If these signs persist, professional help may be needed. A child and adolescent psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional can help the child accept the death and assist the others in helping the child through the mourning process.

For more information, see Facts for Families:
#4 The Depressed Child
#7 Children Who Won’t Go to School
#34 Children’s Sleep Problems
#36 Helping Children After a Disaster
#78 When a Pet Dies

See also: Your Child (1998 Harper Collins) / Your Adolescent (1999 Harper Collins)

1 thought on “Children and Grief

  1. Thank you for sharing this artical. When a family as a whole is going through the loss of a loved one it is hard sometimes to remember to be extra patient with the children as they go through the loss in their own way. Thank you again for a great article!

Please Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s